Chronicles of a Single Mom

I know I have a while before I have to worry about this, but a big part of me is scared to leave my daughter with the ex for the weekend.

What if he forgets to feed her? Sometimes he didn’t realize the cats were meowing for food: will the same be true when our daughter cries? Should I teach her to say “Feed me” as soon as possible so he won’t have any doubts? My friends laugh when I say he’s not getting her till she can say “eat” or “food” or “feed me!” but I’m only half joking.

What if he sleeps through her cries? He’s always been a heavy sleeper and I really think he has an untreated sleep disorder that he won’t get help for. I’ve watched him get up and turn off the alarm clock, then a few hours later not remember a damn thing. We went through 2 alarm clocks because he swore they weren’t going off! I know moms get accustomed to their baby’s cries and can wake up at the slightest noise. Does the same hold true for dads? What about dads who aren’t used to being around a baby in the middle of the night? When the cats make noise he throws something at them….in his sleep stupor will he throw something at her too?

Ever since we were married, I knew that when we had kids I’d be the primary care provider and he would help once in a while. I know it works out that way in a lot of marriages, and I longed to be a mom while he longed to get to the next level of the video game he was playing.

But then I think about all the ways he’ll be a great father. I’m sure he’s going to love her. I can see him sitting down to read bedtime stories to her or chasing her around the house while she giggles wildly. I’m just not sure he can do it as a single dad, and the skank (the woman he’s living with) is so far from maternal, she’s the absolute LAST person I’d choose to have taking care of my baby.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she helped me see that the real problem is my own trust issues. I’ve had my heart broken. With or without good reason, I’ve lost trust in the person I used to trust most. And now I’m legally required to trust him to take care of the most important person in my life. I gave him my heart and lost it; now I have to give him my whole world.

Not only that, but sometimes as a mom it’s just so hard to leave your child with ANYONE. My own mom didn’t leave me with her parents — who raised 4 kids — for more than a few hours until I was a year old. My friend, who’s happily married to a man who was a single dad for many years, says sometimes she still has trouble letting him do much for her because part of her fears he won’t do something as well as she can.

So I have to re-learn to trust the person who broke my trust. I think I can do anything for my daughter, but this is pushing the limits –particularly since part of me isn’t sure it’s best for her. My instincts scream for me to cling to her and keep her close where I can protect her, but my intellect says she needs to have a relationship with her father. It’s a battle in my head which I’m sure will get worse when he starts saying she’s old enough to come over for the weekend.

So will I be able to trust him again? Will I reluctantly let her go over there though I don’t completely trust him just because I have to comply with a court order? (And if that’s the case? how many times will I call over there in one weekend?) Will I find someone to help me change my identity and disappear or run off with her to some Caribbean Island where we live on fish and berries? (Anyone out there have connections? Anyone? Bueller?)

I have 6-9 months to learn how to trust again. Wish me luck!

This wasn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. I always wanted a family…loving husband and 2 or 3 kids. In fact, that was my only dream for so many years. A career was just a means to an end for me, just money so I could enjoy the things that were really important. Friends were important, but even when I was having fun with them, I looked forward to coming home to the love of my life.

Then it all ended.

Since this isn’t about my ex, it’s about me and my daughter, I won’t go into the reasons why, but I am heartbroken. I was devastated. I feel like the last 10 years were built on a lie. I feel worthless. I failed at one part of my dream, did this mean I would fail as a mother as well?

I was truly at rock bottom. I thought about suicide, but luckily I was pregnant and couldn’t bear the thought of hurting my baby. I prayed to die in childbirth, once my purpose was served, but I realized I just can’t abandon her. I especially can’t leave her to be raised by my ex. I even thought about taking up smoking (after she’s born and never around her, of course) in the hopes that cancer would kill me around the time she grew up and didn’t need a mom so badly any more.

Something changed in me. I don’t know precisely when it happened, but the pieces of me are slowly coming back together. Maybe it’s the Zoloft, maybe it’s all me, I don’t know. I’ll never be the same free spirit my ex married, and I’ll never allow myself to fall in love again, but I will go on. I lie in bed at night and feel my daughter moving around in me, and I realize I have a reason to go on. I have a reason to seek joy. I owe it to her to live, not merely exist.

So I wait for her to be born and dream of holding her, rocking her to sleep, nursing her. I dream of sitting with her on my lap as I read to her. I wonder if thunderstorms will scare her like they did me and she’ll come running to the comfort of my bed. I wonder if she’ll put together the dates of our divorce and think it was her fault?

And I make promises to her:
I will always love you. I will never abandon you. I may get mad at you, but I will always be here when you need me. I will be the best mom I can be.

I will never have the life I wanted, and I resent my ex for taking that away from me. (We put off trying to conceive during my most fertile years because he wasn’t ready then because he wanted to start his own company). Sometimes I cry for the other children I will probably never have. I am sad that this will be my last pregnancy and I spent half of it unable to fully enjoy it because of the stress he was putting me through.

From the ashes of a dream destroyed a new life begins. Join me on my journey….my new life as a single mom.