This wasn’t how my life was supposed to turn out. I always wanted a family…loving husband and 2 or 3 kids. In fact, that was my only dream for so many years. A career was just a means to an end for me, just money so I could enjoy the things that were really important. Friends were important, but even when I was having fun with them, I looked forward to coming home to the love of my life.
Then it all ended.
Since this isn’t about my ex, it’s about me and my daughter, I won’t go into the reasons why, but I am heartbroken. I was devastated. I feel like the last 10 years were built on a lie. I feel worthless. I failed at one part of my dream, did this mean I would fail as a mother as well?
I was truly at rock bottom. I thought about suicide, but luckily I was pregnant and couldn’t bear the thought of hurting my baby. I prayed to die in childbirth, once my purpose was served, but I realized I just can’t abandon her. I especially can’t leave her to be raised by my ex. I even thought about taking up smoking (after she’s born and never around her, of course) in the hopes that cancer would kill me around the time she grew up and didn’t need a mom so badly any more.
Something changed in me. I don’t know precisely when it happened, but the pieces of me are slowly coming back together. Maybe it’s the Zoloft, maybe it’s all me, I don’t know. I’ll never be the same free spirit my ex married, and I’ll never allow myself to fall in love again, but I will go on. I lie in bed at night and feel my daughter moving around in me, and I realize I have a reason to go on. I have a reason to seek joy. I owe it to her to live, not merely exist.
So I wait for her to be born and dream of holding her, rocking her to sleep, nursing her. I dream of sitting with her on my lap as I read to her. I wonder if thunderstorms will scare her like they did me and she’ll come running to the comfort of my bed. I wonder if she’ll put together the dates of our divorce and think it was her fault?
And I make promises to her:
I will always love you. I will never abandon you. I may get mad at you, but I will always be here when you need me. I will be the best mom I can be.
I will never have the life I wanted, and I resent my ex for taking that away from me. (We put off trying to conceive during my most fertile years because he wasn’t ready then because he wanted to start his own company). Sometimes I cry for the other children I will probably never have. I am sad that this will be my last pregnancy and I spent half of it unable to fully enjoy it because of the stress he was putting me through.
From the ashes of a dream destroyed a new life begins. Join me on my journey….my new life as a single mom.
