I know I have a while before I have to worry about this, but a big part of me is scared to leave my daughter with the ex for the weekend.
What if he forgets to feed her? Sometimes he didn’t realize the cats were meowing for food: will the same be true when our daughter cries? Should I teach her to say “Feed me” as soon as possible so he won’t have any doubts? My friends laugh when I say he’s not getting her till she can say “eat” or “food” or “feed me!” but I’m only half joking.
What if he sleeps through her cries? He’s always been a heavy sleeper and I really think he has an untreated sleep disorder that he won’t get help for. I’ve watched him get up and turn off the alarm clock, then a few hours later not remember a damn thing. We went through 2 alarm clocks because he swore they weren’t going off! I know moms get accustomed to their baby’s cries and can wake up at the slightest noise. Does the same hold true for dads? What about dads who aren’t used to being around a baby in the middle of the night? When the cats make noise he throws something at them….in his sleep stupor will he throw something at her too?
Ever since we were married, I knew that when we had kids I’d be the primary care provider and he would help once in a while. I know it works out that way in a lot of marriages, and I longed to be a mom while he longed to get to the next level of the video game he was playing.
But then I think about all the ways he’ll be a great father. I’m sure he’s going to love her. I can see him sitting down to read bedtime stories to her or chasing her around the house while she giggles wildly. I’m just not sure he can do it as a single dad, and the skank (the woman he’s living with) is so far from maternal, she’s the absolute LAST person I’d choose to have taking care of my baby.
I was talking with a friend yesterday and she helped me see that the real problem is my own trust issues. I’ve had my heart broken. With or without good reason, I’ve lost trust in the person I used to trust most. And now I’m legally required to trust him to take care of the most important person in my life. I gave him my heart and lost it; now I have to give him my whole world.
Not only that, but sometimes as a mom it’s just so hard to leave your child with ANYONE. My own mom didn’t leave me with her parents — who raised 4 kids — for more than a few hours until I was a year old. My friend, who’s happily married to a man who was a single dad for many years, says sometimes she still has trouble letting him do much for her because part of her fears he won’t do something as well as she can.
So I have to re-learn to trust the person who broke my trust. I think I can do anything for my daughter, but this is pushing the limits –particularly since part of me isn’t sure it’s best for her. My instincts scream for me to cling to her and keep her close where I can protect her, but my intellect says she needs to have a relationship with her father. It’s a battle in my head which I’m sure will get worse when he starts saying she’s old enough to come over for the weekend.
So will I be able to trust him again? Will I reluctantly let her go over there though I don’t completely trust him just because I have to comply with a court order? (And if that’s the case? how many times will I call over there in one weekend?) Will I find someone to help me change my identity and disappear or run off with her to some Caribbean Island where we live on fish and berries? (Anyone out there have connections? Anyone? Bueller?)
I have 6-9 months to learn how to trust again. Wish me luck!
