Chronicles of a Single Mom

Monday night’s class dealt with all the stuff I didn’t want to think about. Unlike some of my friends, I’m cool with the c-section. My mom and one of my aunts had to have a c-section, so I’ve kind of gone into pregnancy resigned to the fact that it’s a possibility. One of my good friends had one in August. Frankly, if the baby’s in trouble and needs to get out fast, cut me open!

I went into the class scared to death of forceps. I’ve just heard too many horror stories of babies’ heads being crushed or something. I know it’s kind of an irrational fear, but it’s my fear dammit. I’m a hormonal pregnant woman and I’m allowed to have these irrational fears if I want. I was very glad to hear that most of the doctors and midwives in my practice prefer to try the vacuum thingy before they reach for the forceps. But hearing the midwife talk about how the forceps work and how experienced a lot of the doctors are made me feel a little more confident. I’m still hoping it doesn’t come to that (of course what mom WANTS her baby to be pried out with forceps) but it’s less of a phobia now.

I’m much more scared of an episiotomy. See, when I went into this, I wasn’t thinking of possible damage down there when the baby came out. I thought the worst case scenario might be a c-section. No! Getting cut on my lower abdomen is one thing, getting cut DOWN THERE is somethng else entirely. But apparently the cutting shouldn’t hurt too much because first they’ll give me anaesthesia….by poking me down there with a freakin’ needle! Now the ex and I have done some kinky stuff in our time, but getting poked with needles wasn’t one of them. Sure, I considered accupuncture when it was taking me a few months to get pregnant, but there’s a reason I kept putting that “magic bullet” off.

The best part is we got to see slides of a giant vagina while the midwife used a laser pointer to talk about where the anaesthesia needle would go in and where the cut might go. That’s when I felt sick and grabbed the ex’s hand. He was supportive but said later he couldn’t believe I was more scared of the needle than the actual cutting, “cause the needle’s just a little prick.” Well, would you think it was just a little prick if it was going into YOUR prick? It’s easy to be nonchalant when it’s not YOU that’s gonna get this!

But as scary as an episiotomy is, having some tearing down there scares me even more!

You know, I actually like being pregnant. After that class I’m thinking maybe I should just let her stay in there forever!

It’s supposed to be normal for every parent to worry about whether or not they’ll be a good parent. I suppose it’s even worse when everything you thought was true about yourself and your partner has been turned upside down. If children learn about relationships from their parents, what will my daughter learn?

I can’t talk about the ex and his relationships, but let’s just say there are plenty of unhealthy things to be learned there. I really think he will be a bad example of how relationships work…exactly the opposite of what I want my child to learn. As for me, I don’t know if I can ever love again. I don’t even trust myself to pick out a good guy anymore. My instincts toward men have proven to be absolutely horrible. I seriously doubt my daughter will ever see me in a relationship with a man. I’m a little afraid I’ll always love the ex and she’ll pick up on that and think unrequited love is healthy.

I’m so torn up about this. Part of me contemplated giving her up for adoption to a happy couple that would be able to teach her how to love. But I just can’t do it: I’m too selfish. I’d like to say I love her too much to give her up, but I feel like I should love her enough to give her a better life.

I’ve also thought about going ahead and marrying someone else one day so she can learn what a healthy marriage is like and how married couples are supposed to treat each other, but as I’ve said, I don’t know if I’ll truly be in love and I don’t want her picking up on that either.

I truly don’t know what to do. I suppose it’s like a lot of parenting: I’ll learn about it as I go and hope for the best. But it’s no longer a joint effort between the ex and me and his values have changed so radically that part of me doesn’t want her anywhere near him. However, she deserves a relationship with her father so I resist the urge to run far away where he can never find us.
I love my daughter, and all I can do is try to be the best mom possible and hope the ex and I don’t screw her up too badly.

Last night was our second childbirth class and it was pretty fun too. We learned about labor and cervical changes, positions the baby can be in and pain relief.

Unfortunately the pain relief part leads me to a dilemma….I always figured I wanted an epidural. My friends recommended it and if somethng eases the pain, why not? BUT…..the hospital also has jacuzzis. I LOVE jacuzzis. There’s nothing that relaxes me like a hot bath, and a jacuzzi is even better. In fact, it’s been an unfulfiled fantasy of mine for years to have a jacuzzi in the house. I could probably spend the whole time in the jacuzzi if they’d let me….I’d end up more red and wrinkled than the baby.

Well, apparently once you have the epidural you can’t gt in the jacuzzi any more. I understand why. Once you have the epidural, apparently you can barely control the lower half of your body. (I can just picture myself making the ex carry me to the hot tubs — in fact, that’s a great thought, it’s just too bad the doctors and nurses won’t go along with it.) But dammit, now I’m gonna have to make a choice? Every hour or so I’ll have to decide if I want an epidural or if I want to hop back in the tub! I have a hard time choosing an ice cream flavor…now I gotta make this choice?

Oh well, if that’s the hardest part of my labor, I guess I’m in pretty good shape.

I had my first childbirth class with the ex last night. Before the class, I was kind of nervous. I mean, come on, in a few weeks I’m going to push another human being out of my body! Up till now I’ve been concentrating on raising the baby (which ironically most people find scarier than childbirth) and my worries have been focused on the lack of sleep I’ll have and worries about being a good mother. Those are definitely valid worries, but I feel like I’ll have a good support system and although it won’t be easy, it’s definitely doable.

But now I’m going to a class where the whole focus is on getting this baby out of my body and into my arms! No matter how much support and help I have, it’s still up to me to do most of the hard work. I don’t know exactly why I’m so nervous. Literally, the only friends of mine who haven’t given birth will be giving birth within a year of me. If they can do it so can I…right?

But after class I felt much better about the whole thing. My favorite midwife is teaching the class. She’s really great at breaking things down and making them understandable. She talks a lot, but it’s all very useful information.

The first part of the class she was explaining how pregnancy affects your body. Although we really could’ve used most of that information earlier in pregnancy, it was still interesting and made me understand a litle more what’s been going on with my body. She also talked a lot about nutrition, which kind of made me feel like I’ve been eating horribly (and I’ve probably eaten better than most) but there’s not much I can do about that at this point other than eating better from this point on.

Finally we started talking about labor. I thought back to when my best friend gave birth when I was 16 or 17, and the stages seemed familiar with what I remembered. I think it helps me to understand what is going to happen, so when I’m going through the rough part, maybe I can at least look to the next stage.

We practiced some breathing exercises. The ex and the baby conspired to keep me laughing! I’d be exhaling, and the ex would make a face at me and I’d start laughing. At first part of me thought he should take this more seriously, but then again, maybe laughing through labor will be a good thing. But when he wasn’t making me laugh, the baby was kicking me. I’d be in deep concentration, focusing on my breathing and feel the little tap of her feet! Looks like I’ve got a little prankster that takes after her Daddy.

The thing that made me really happy was that progressive relaxation is supposed to really help. I’m GREAT at progressive relaxation. I learned progressive relaxation in a high school psychology course and used it again when I had anxiety and depression problems. I used the technique to get to sleep many nights. So I can DEFINITELY do that part. What’s different is that I’ve never done relaxation with a baby in my belly. I’ve always had to make sure that I went to the bathroom first because otherwise I get to the point where I relax my pelvic muscles and my bladder relaxes too and I GOTTA GO!!! That was BEFORE PREGNANCY. Now I’ve got that same problem only with a little girl sitting on my bladder. Also, when I get relaxed, she decides it’s time to play! “Oooooohhhh, it’s all quiet and peaceful in here! Time to practice my gymnastics!!! Mommy, I’m doing a flip!”

So I guess the main thing I have to learn is how to concentrate on breathing and relaxing without letting the jokers distract me.