It’s supposed to be normal for every parent to worry about whether or not they’ll be a good parent. I suppose it’s even worse when everything you thought was true about yourself and your partner has been turned upside down. If children learn about relationships from their parents, what will my daughter learn?
I can’t talk about the ex and his relationships, but let’s just say there are plenty of unhealthy things to be learned there. I really think he will be a bad example of how relationships work…exactly the opposite of what I want my child to learn. As for me, I don’t know if I can ever love again. I don’t even trust myself to pick out a good guy anymore. My instincts toward men have proven to be absolutely horrible. I seriously doubt my daughter will ever see me in a relationship with a man. I’m a little afraid I’ll always love the ex and she’ll pick up on that and think unrequited love is healthy.
I’m so torn up about this. Part of me contemplated giving her up for adoption to a happy couple that would be able to teach her how to love. But I just can’t do it: I’m too selfish. I’d like to say I love her too much to give her up, but I feel like I should love her enough to give her a better life.
I’ve also thought about going ahead and marrying someone else one day so she can learn what a healthy marriage is like and how married couples are supposed to treat each other, but as I’ve said, I don’t know if I’ll truly be in love and I don’t want her picking up on that either.
I truly don’t know what to do. I suppose it’s like a lot of parenting: I’ll learn about it as I go and hope for the best. But it’s no longer a joint effort between the ex and me and his values have changed so radically that part of me doesn’t want her anywhere near him. However, she deserves a relationship with her father so I resist the urge to run far away where he can never find us.
I love my daughter, and all I can do is try to be the best mom possible and hope the ex and I don’t screw her up too badly.
