Chronicles of a Single Mom

As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I have a cold. I’ve had it for several days now and I AM MISERABLE. I usually don’t get sick. When I DO get sick, I have a remedy that usually works…pick a day I don’t mind losing, take Theraflu, sleep 4-6 hours, repeat. After a day or two, the cold is gone.

Well, I’ve lost the “safelist” my doctor’s office gave me at the beginning of pregnancy, but I’m pretty sure Theraflu wasn’t on it. Too much alcohol I think. I know Benadryl is ok, but I’m not sure if that’s only plain Benadryl or if it includes Benadryl allergy or Benadryl D.

So I’m scared to take anything, I hurt, and I could give birth any day now. When I give birth, breathing is supposed to help. How am I supposed to do the fancy relaxation breathing when I’m having trouble with regular breathing….you know, the kind that’s supposed to keep me alive? And how will this affect me having anaesthesia if I need a c-section?

I can see it now….
***************************************
The Ex: Breathe in through your nose….
Me: (Sniffs in)
The Ex: You’re Doing Great! Now exhale
Me: (Blows a big gob of snot out of my nose)
***************************************

And besides the actual birthing process, what happens afterward? Will I end up getting my new baby sick? What if I end up giving her a cold which turns into RSV? As much as it’ll kill me, should I tell the nurses to not let her room with me so she doesn’t get sick? That is NOT how I envisioned the first few days with my baby. I want to spend the days holding her and snuggling her, not trying to have the doctors protect her from me!

There’s always the chance I’ll go late, but I lost my mucous plug at 6 am yesterday. Usually that means you’ll give birth within a week. So chances are she’s gonna be coming into the world with a sick Mommy.

So I guess I’ll spend a few days drinking hot tea and eating chicken soup and praying for the cold to go away. Please, little girl, stay inside Mommy till she’s not contagious anymore!

Last weekend was my shower and I had such a great time. I had friends and family and family friends all come together to celebrate the fact that I was having a baby. My two aunts threw it for me…one of them cut short her anniversary trip with my uncle to be there for me.

The food was good and the gifts were better. But what was really great was the feeling of love. Every person in that room loved me and cared about me enough to take time out of their day. Every person there wanted the best for me and was excited about the little girl that is coming. A few of my friends had thier babies there and we got them together and talked about how much fun it would be to get all the babies together in the future.

For months I’ve felt unloved and unworthy of love. I’ve had days where I’m brokenhearted and not even sure I deserve to live. I constantly worry about whether or not I’ll be a good mom. I’ve wondered how I’ll do it on my own.

But as I looked around that room, at everyone from the friend I’ve known since I was born (we even have pictures of us on a swingset together) to friends who have become wonderful friends in the past few years to family members who were recounting the day I was born to my friend’s 7 month old reaching out for me and jabbering and laughing, and I realized I wasn’t really alone.

Every single person in that room is ready to lend support if I need it. They all think I’m going to be a great mom and that I’m up for the challenge. They’re all ready to dispense advice and hugs and anything else I need that they can give me. What they don’t realize is that each one of them gave me a gift more precious than what was in the wrapped packages and gift bags that filled the room. They gave me hope, love, and confidence in myself.

Today I got 2 packages from Amazon.com. My first thought was “I didn’t order anything! Or have I lost my mind and started ordering stuff I don’t remember yet.”

I opened the packages and saw 2 gifts for the baby. A look at the card showed that it was from the ex’s stepfamily. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but I’m not sure they know the ex left me. I’ve only met them once and the ex isn’t even that close to them. So what’s the etiquitte?

Should I send the gifts back? If they knew the ex wasn’t in love with me anymore, would they have sent the gifts? Suddenly everything is so much more complicated than I thought it would be. What should be simple and happy now breaks my heart.

For years I’ve heard how you don’t want your kids to sleep with you because they’ll never go to their own bed. Because of that conventional wisdom, I’ve known that my child wouldn’t be sleeping with my husband and me.

But as the rest of my life changes, I’m questioning that decision as well.

My mom has been cautioning people for over a decade to not let the kids sleep in bed with them. She worked in a day care center and learned a lot about kids and talked to a lot of moms who started out co-sleeping then regretted it. Indeed, the ex and I saw several episodes of Nanny 911 where the kids were devastated when it was time for them to sleep in theor own bed. One woman hadn’t slept with her husband since her son was born! (Not that that would be a problem for me with no husband, but still…) I have friends who let their kids sleep in the bed with them and then had a really hard time getting the kids to sleep in their own bed.

Not to mention that part of me is scared to death of rolling over on her and squishing her. Or having her slip under the covers and suffocate. Or the cats, who have been sleeping with me for 10 years, snuggling up to her and accidentally suffocating her because she can’t push them away like I do.

But then I read moms message boards on the Internet where women talk about the joy of co-sleeping. I plan to breastfeed and know that co-sleeping would make those middle of the night sessions so much easier on me. My friend who has a 6 month old talks about how much she loves co-sleeping with her daughter when they take naps together and about how much easier it makes everything. And selfishly, I think about how nice it would be to hold someone in the middle of the night. I think about how nice it would be to reach out and have my daughter at my fingertips. How reassuring it would be to listen to her breathe….the same way it’s so reassuring to feel her move right now.

What’s best for this precious little girl? What will save my sanity? If I sleep with her, will I make it so she needs me to fall asleep? I don’t want to impair her in any way. If experts are now saying not to have baby bumpers or too many sheets in the crib, are all the sheets and blankets on my bed dangerous? Would I be able to sleep good with her in bed with me, or would I be so nervous about hurting her that I hardly get any sleep at all?

I certainly don’t have the answers. I may just have to play it by ear…see what kind of baby she is and what I need. Like all moms, I’m just trying to figure out the right thing to do for my child.