Chronicles of a Single Mom

I realize vaccines are better than diseases, but they’re so hard! When Little M got her vaccines (DTap, Polio, and 2 that fight organisms that cause meningitis) the other day, she felt miserable, and since misery loves company she decided to make me miserable too.

With the initial shots she cried and the nurse seemed to take forever to get the bandaids on so I could grab up my baby and hold her. When I was finally able to hold her, I was actually able to comfort her pretty quickly. I went to put her in her carseat so we could go and she grabbed my shoulders with her little arms and just clung to me, so we took a few more minutes before going.

Well, we got home and she slept for a bit, but from about 2:30 on, she was so unhappy. She wanted Mommy and ONLY Mommy. Oh, and she wanted Mommy to MOVE. No sitting down and rocking her. No sitting down at all. She’d fall asleep while I was walking her, then wake up crying. If I tried to put her down, or even hand her to my mom or dad, she grabbed my arms and held me tight. When I did hand her off so I could eat or use the bathroom, she just looked at me and cried. It wasn’t even the angry cry, it was the hurt cry and that made it worse!

She didn’t let me stop walking her till she decided she wanted to eat and wasn’t taking her milk from the bottle. (I’d previously been walking around feeding her with a bottle of pumped milk.) A few times I’d be talking to her and she’d smile up at me but the smile quickly turned to a frown for no reason other than she felt bad. I felt so horrible for her, although I felt special too. She was trying so hard to smile at me cause she loved me so much, but in the end she just couldn’t do it.

About 10:30 pm I was feeding her and she started cooing at me and sticking her tongue out, which is part of her favorite game (she sticks her tongue out at me and I do the same then she sticks hers back out and this continues until she starts grinning and cooing at me). I thought she was finally feeling better, but a few minutes later she wanted to be held again. She finally let me sit in bed with her instead of crying unless I was walking which was SUCH a relief. By this time my back hurt, my hips hurt and my feet hurt and I have no idea how I kept going other than my little girl needed me. Never underestimate what a mother’s love can give you the power to do.

She cried every time I put her in her bed so I finally breastfed her till she was sleeping and put her in my bed then curled my body around hers and went to sleep. Every time my hand moved so it wasn’t touching her, she’d whimper in her sleep. One time I put my hand back on her chest and she grabbed my arm and wrapped her arms and legs around it. It was so cute and endearing. She just wanted me close to her. It felt so good to mean so much to someone. Since the ex left I haven’t always felt valuable, but dammit, this little girl needs me and loves me.

I woke up the next morning and I was exhausted. Little M was in bed right next to me, as close as she could get. She actually looked content and peaceful. A wave of love washed over my face. we had survived our first trying time. When the chips were down, she looked to me and only me. I was the one who made her feel better (not that my parents didn’t try to help…she just wanted me). I was the one who fell asleep holding her and ultimately took care of her. She and I weathered the storm and as long as we’re together we can do anything.