Chronicles of a Single Mom

My daughter is here. It was a long labor that culminated in a c-section when she couldn’t move down any further — she was facing the wrong way and somehow got stuck. I started running a high fever and managed to get up to 104 degrees. The baby was up to 102. But the important thing is she got here safely.

The ex was with me the whole time. He stayed in the hospital with me till we got released and was a huge help. Of course his being nice to me stirred up a whole mess of other issues.

I am so in love with my little girl. I look into her big blue eyes and want to give her the world. Sometimes I can’t believe she’s really mine. I wonder if I’m good enough to be her mom. Sometimes I’ll be holding her and she’ll snuggle up to me and sleep contentedly….the way I used to snuggle with the ex and fall asleep content in his arms and my heart just melts.

I try to be happy for her. I try to show her my strength and my love. I hope she only feels my love and doesn’t pick up on the wistfulness that comes over me sometimes. Please let me be a good role model for her. Please let me be a good Mommy.

As you may have guessed from the title of this post, I have a cold. I’ve had it for several days now and I AM MISERABLE. I usually don’t get sick. When I DO get sick, I have a remedy that usually works…pick a day I don’t mind losing, take Theraflu, sleep 4-6 hours, repeat. After a day or two, the cold is gone.

Well, I’ve lost the “safelist” my doctor’s office gave me at the beginning of pregnancy, but I’m pretty sure Theraflu wasn’t on it. Too much alcohol I think. I know Benadryl is ok, but I’m not sure if that’s only plain Benadryl or if it includes Benadryl allergy or Benadryl D.

So I’m scared to take anything, I hurt, and I could give birth any day now. When I give birth, breathing is supposed to help. How am I supposed to do the fancy relaxation breathing when I’m having trouble with regular breathing….you know, the kind that’s supposed to keep me alive? And how will this affect me having anaesthesia if I need a c-section?

I can see it now….
***************************************
The Ex: Breathe in through your nose….
Me: (Sniffs in)
The Ex: You’re Doing Great! Now exhale
Me: (Blows a big gob of snot out of my nose)
***************************************

And besides the actual birthing process, what happens afterward? Will I end up getting my new baby sick? What if I end up giving her a cold which turns into RSV? As much as it’ll kill me, should I tell the nurses to not let her room with me so she doesn’t get sick? That is NOT how I envisioned the first few days with my baby. I want to spend the days holding her and snuggling her, not trying to have the doctors protect her from me!

There’s always the chance I’ll go late, but I lost my mucous plug at 6 am yesterday. Usually that means you’ll give birth within a week. So chances are she’s gonna be coming into the world with a sick Mommy.

So I guess I’ll spend a few days drinking hot tea and eating chicken soup and praying for the cold to go away. Please, little girl, stay inside Mommy till she’s not contagious anymore!

Last weekend was my shower and I had such a great time. I had friends and family and family friends all come together to celebrate the fact that I was having a baby. My two aunts threw it for me…one of them cut short her anniversary trip with my uncle to be there for me.

The food was good and the gifts were better. But what was really great was the feeling of love. Every person in that room loved me and cared about me enough to take time out of their day. Every person there wanted the best for me and was excited about the little girl that is coming. A few of my friends had thier babies there and we got them together and talked about how much fun it would be to get all the babies together in the future.

For months I’ve felt unloved and unworthy of love. I’ve had days where I’m brokenhearted and not even sure I deserve to live. I constantly worry about whether or not I’ll be a good mom. I’ve wondered how I’ll do it on my own.

But as I looked around that room, at everyone from the friend I’ve known since I was born (we even have pictures of us on a swingset together) to friends who have become wonderful friends in the past few years to family members who were recounting the day I was born to my friend’s 7 month old reaching out for me and jabbering and laughing, and I realized I wasn’t really alone.

Every single person in that room is ready to lend support if I need it. They all think I’m going to be a great mom and that I’m up for the challenge. They’re all ready to dispense advice and hugs and anything else I need that they can give me. What they don’t realize is that each one of them gave me a gift more precious than what was in the wrapped packages and gift bags that filled the room. They gave me hope, love, and confidence in myself.

If my baby comes on her due date (which I know she won’t, but she’ll probably come around her due date) I’m one month and 3 days away from becoming a mom. A real mom. I’ll have to wake up in the middle of the night and take care of her. I should probably stop my mom’s dogs from licking her like they try to lick everyone else who comes into their house. I won’t be able to give her good nutrition by making sure I have good nutrition. I’m going to have to keep my huge cats from snuggling up with her and potentially suffocating her.

Oh my God, I’m gonna be responsible for a helpless human being who can’t take care of herself. And I’ll be doing it alone! Sure, I have friends and family who want to help, but ultimately, this is my baby…my responsibility.

But on the other hand, in a month I can hold her and rock her. I’ll know what she looks like. I can look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her. In a few more months, she’ll be smiling at me. Maybe she’ll even be laughing at me. The future is scary. The future looks great.