Chronicles of a Single Mom

Father’s Day is really depressing me this year. I’m still in love with the ex and it’s just a reminder of what we don’t have. All these Father’s Day commercials and Internet articles about how wonderful fatherhood is with the cute pictures of Daddies and their offspring remind me of how I pictured life and what I’ll never have.

I always made holidays special for the ex. He never had a birthday without a cake, and sometimes I’d decorate the living room too. There were always cards….either electronic or paper. Every Father’s Day I’d send him e-cards from our 3 cats. Now that we finally have a baby, we’re not together.

Usually for Father’s Day, the mom buys something for the kids to give the dad. But if I do that will it smack of desperation? (And maybe I am desperate…that’s a whole ‘nother issue) Will it let the ex and the whore know that I’d give anything to have him back? I can just picture the two of them laughing at me later. But then who am I kidding, I know they know I still love him. But then again, just because I feel something doesn’t mean I have to show it.

Part of me feels like I shouldn’t get him anything. Especially after the way I’m hurting. But part of me just wants to get him somethng to remind him that he IS a father. He hasn’t seen Little M in 2 weeks, and though part of me is happy to just let that relationship dwindle and keep her all to myself, the other part of me doesn’t want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her father. Apparently so much so that I’m willing to put in more than I need to to make that relationship work….kind of like when we were married and I gave and gave and gave and he left anyway.

And I wonder about future Father’s Days. Will Little M feel sad that her dad isn’t in her life as much as he could be? Or will he straighten up and be there like a real daddy should? Will all Father’s Days hurt like this? Should I be trying so hard to forge a relationship between father and daughter? Will his not being there bother her or will it only bother me? I just don’t know. What’s the best thing to do for my daughter?

I guess Father’s Day is just another holiday that I thought would always be special but is now a painful reminder of how my life has changed. I just hope and pray Father’s Day won’t be a sad occasion for my little girl.

My daughter is here. It was a long labor that culminated in a c-section when she couldn’t move down any further — she was facing the wrong way and somehow got stuck. I started running a high fever and managed to get up to 104 degrees. The baby was up to 102. But the important thing is she got here safely.

The ex was with me the whole time. He stayed in the hospital with me till we got released and was a huge help. Of course his being nice to me stirred up a whole mess of other issues.

I am so in love with my little girl. I look into her big blue eyes and want to give her the world. Sometimes I can’t believe she’s really mine. I wonder if I’m good enough to be her mom. Sometimes I’ll be holding her and she’ll snuggle up to me and sleep contentedly….the way I used to snuggle with the ex and fall asleep content in his arms and my heart just melts.

I try to be happy for her. I try to show her my strength and my love. I hope she only feels my love and doesn’t pick up on the wistfulness that comes over me sometimes. Please let me be a good role model for her. Please let me be a good Mommy.

I grew up an only child. It wasn’t for my parents’ lack of trying. Apparently I had a twin that was lost early on. My mom lost two babies at 7 months after she had me. Had they lived, I would’ve had two sisters. They tried to adopt when I was five, but the birth mother changed her mind, conveniently after they had paid most of her prenatal care. They lost thousands of dollars that they couldn’t recover because even if they sued and won, the birth mother was on welfare. (Fortunately, this was 25 years ago and most adoption agencies have provisions to keep this sort of thing from happening nowdays, or at least to keep couples from losing all their money). But the result was the same: I grew up feeling like something was missing from my life.

I had friends of course, some of whom I’m still friends with and consider my sisters, but I never had the real thing. I desperately wish for the bond that so many of my friends share with their sisters. So I made up my mind that I wanted at least 2, maybe 3 kids. But of course I never planned on putting off trying to conceive so long waiting for the ex to be ready. I thought I’d be having my second child at 30, not my first. With divorce looming, I have to face the fact that I probably won’t be able to give my daughter the thing I wanted most as a little girl. I also feel horrible that I couldn’t hold my marriage together to give her a complete family.

Everyone keeps telling me I’m pretty and could find someone else and have more kids, but I’m already 30! I’m scared to have a baby after 35 because of the birth defect risks. Also, I don’t want to jump into another marriage just to satisfy my maternal urges (not that marrying for love turned out so great). Yes, I appreciated the little girl I have and there are days I feel guilty for wanting more. I’m working towards acceptance of that fact, but it’s a long road ahead. But for now, part of my heart already mourns for the children I was meant to have but never will.

I know I have a while before I have to worry about this, but a big part of me is scared to leave my daughter with the ex for the weekend.

What if he forgets to feed her? Sometimes he didn’t realize the cats were meowing for food: will the same be true when our daughter cries? Should I teach her to say “Feed me” as soon as possible so he won’t have any doubts? My friends laugh when I say he’s not getting her till she can say “eat” or “food” or “feed me!” but I’m only half joking.

What if he sleeps through her cries? He’s always been a heavy sleeper and I really think he has an untreated sleep disorder that he won’t get help for. I’ve watched him get up and turn off the alarm clock, then a few hours later not remember a damn thing. We went through 2 alarm clocks because he swore they weren’t going off! I know moms get accustomed to their baby’s cries and can wake up at the slightest noise. Does the same hold true for dads? What about dads who aren’t used to being around a baby in the middle of the night? When the cats make noise he throws something at them….in his sleep stupor will he throw something at her too?

Ever since we were married, I knew that when we had kids I’d be the primary care provider and he would help once in a while. I know it works out that way in a lot of marriages, and I longed to be a mom while he longed to get to the next level of the video game he was playing.

But then I think about all the ways he’ll be a great father. I’m sure he’s going to love her. I can see him sitting down to read bedtime stories to her or chasing her around the house while she giggles wildly. I’m just not sure he can do it as a single dad, and the skank (the woman he’s living with) is so far from maternal, she’s the absolute LAST person I’d choose to have taking care of my baby.

I was talking with a friend yesterday and she helped me see that the real problem is my own trust issues. I’ve had my heart broken. With or without good reason, I’ve lost trust in the person I used to trust most. And now I’m legally required to trust him to take care of the most important person in my life. I gave him my heart and lost it; now I have to give him my whole world.

Not only that, but sometimes as a mom it’s just so hard to leave your child with ANYONE. My own mom didn’t leave me with her parents — who raised 4 kids — for more than a few hours until I was a year old. My friend, who’s happily married to a man who was a single dad for many years, says sometimes she still has trouble letting him do much for her because part of her fears he won’t do something as well as she can.

So I have to re-learn to trust the person who broke my trust. I think I can do anything for my daughter, but this is pushing the limits –particularly since part of me isn’t sure it’s best for her. My instincts scream for me to cling to her and keep her close where I can protect her, but my intellect says she needs to have a relationship with her father. It’s a battle in my head which I’m sure will get worse when he starts saying she’s old enough to come over for the weekend.

So will I be able to trust him again? Will I reluctantly let her go over there though I don’t completely trust him just because I have to comply with a court order? (And if that’s the case? how many times will I call over there in one weekend?) Will I find someone to help me change my identity and disappear or run off with her to some Caribbean Island where we live on fish and berries? (Anyone out there have connections? Anyone? Bueller?)

I have 6-9 months to learn how to trust again. Wish me luck!