Chronicles of a Single Mom

Father’s Day is really depressing me this year. I’m still in love with the ex and it’s just a reminder of what we don’t have. All these Father’s Day commercials and Internet articles about how wonderful fatherhood is with the cute pictures of Daddies and their offspring remind me of how I pictured life and what I’ll never have.

I always made holidays special for the ex. He never had a birthday without a cake, and sometimes I’d decorate the living room too. There were always cards….either electronic or paper. Every Father’s Day I’d send him e-cards from our 3 cats. Now that we finally have a baby, we’re not together.

Usually for Father’s Day, the mom buys something for the kids to give the dad. But if I do that will it smack of desperation? (And maybe I am desperate…that’s a whole ‘nother issue) Will it let the ex and the whore know that I’d give anything to have him back? I can just picture the two of them laughing at me later. But then who am I kidding, I know they know I still love him. But then again, just because I feel something doesn’t mean I have to show it.

Part of me feels like I shouldn’t get him anything. Especially after the way I’m hurting. But part of me just wants to get him somethng to remind him that he IS a father. He hasn’t seen Little M in 2 weeks, and though part of me is happy to just let that relationship dwindle and keep her all to myself, the other part of me doesn’t want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her father. Apparently so much so that I’m willing to put in more than I need to to make that relationship work….kind of like when we were married and I gave and gave and gave and he left anyway.

And I wonder about future Father’s Days. Will Little M feel sad that her dad isn’t in her life as much as he could be? Or will he straighten up and be there like a real daddy should? Will all Father’s Days hurt like this? Should I be trying so hard to forge a relationship between father and daughter? Will his not being there bother her or will it only bother me? I just don’t know. What’s the best thing to do for my daughter?

I guess Father’s Day is just another holiday that I thought would always be special but is now a painful reminder of how my life has changed. I just hope and pray Father’s Day won’t be a sad occasion for my little girl.

Today I got 2 packages from Amazon.com. My first thought was “I didn’t order anything! Or have I lost my mind and started ordering stuff I don’t remember yet.”

I opened the packages and saw 2 gifts for the baby. A look at the card showed that it was from the ex’s stepfamily. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but I’m not sure they know the ex left me. I’ve only met them once and the ex isn’t even that close to them. So what’s the etiquitte?

Should I send the gifts back? If they knew the ex wasn’t in love with me anymore, would they have sent the gifts? Suddenly everything is so much more complicated than I thought it would be. What should be simple and happy now breaks my heart.

For years I’ve heard how you don’t want your kids to sleep with you because they’ll never go to their own bed. Because of that conventional wisdom, I’ve known that my child wouldn’t be sleeping with my husband and me.

But as the rest of my life changes, I’m questioning that decision as well.

My mom has been cautioning people for over a decade to not let the kids sleep in bed with them. She worked in a day care center and learned a lot about kids and talked to a lot of moms who started out co-sleeping then regretted it. Indeed, the ex and I saw several episodes of Nanny 911 where the kids were devastated when it was time for them to sleep in theor own bed. One woman hadn’t slept with her husband since her son was born! (Not that that would be a problem for me with no husband, but still…) I have friends who let their kids sleep in the bed with them and then had a really hard time getting the kids to sleep in their own bed.

Not to mention that part of me is scared to death of rolling over on her and squishing her. Or having her slip under the covers and suffocate. Or the cats, who have been sleeping with me for 10 years, snuggling up to her and accidentally suffocating her because she can’t push them away like I do.

But then I read moms message boards on the Internet where women talk about the joy of co-sleeping. I plan to breastfeed and know that co-sleeping would make those middle of the night sessions so much easier on me. My friend who has a 6 month old talks about how much she loves co-sleeping with her daughter when they take naps together and about how much easier it makes everything. And selfishly, I think about how nice it would be to hold someone in the middle of the night. I think about how nice it would be to reach out and have my daughter at my fingertips. How reassuring it would be to listen to her breathe….the same way it’s so reassuring to feel her move right now.

What’s best for this precious little girl? What will save my sanity? If I sleep with her, will I make it so she needs me to fall asleep? I don’t want to impair her in any way. If experts are now saying not to have baby bumpers or too many sheets in the crib, are all the sheets and blankets on my bed dangerous? Would I be able to sleep good with her in bed with me, or would I be so nervous about hurting her that I hardly get any sleep at all?

I certainly don’t have the answers. I may just have to play it by ear…see what kind of baby she is and what I need. Like all moms, I’m just trying to figure out the right thing to do for my child.

It’s supposed to be normal for every parent to worry about whether or not they’ll be a good parent. I suppose it’s even worse when everything you thought was true about yourself and your partner has been turned upside down. If children learn about relationships from their parents, what will my daughter learn?

I can’t talk about the ex and his relationships, but let’s just say there are plenty of unhealthy things to be learned there. I really think he will be a bad example of how relationships work…exactly the opposite of what I want my child to learn. As for me, I don’t know if I can ever love again. I don’t even trust myself to pick out a good guy anymore. My instincts toward men have proven to be absolutely horrible. I seriously doubt my daughter will ever see me in a relationship with a man. I’m a little afraid I’ll always love the ex and she’ll pick up on that and think unrequited love is healthy.

I’m so torn up about this. Part of me contemplated giving her up for adoption to a happy couple that would be able to teach her how to love. But I just can’t do it: I’m too selfish. I’d like to say I love her too much to give her up, but I feel like I should love her enough to give her a better life.

I’ve also thought about going ahead and marrying someone else one day so she can learn what a healthy marriage is like and how married couples are supposed to treat each other, but as I’ve said, I don’t know if I’ll truly be in love and I don’t want her picking up on that either.

I truly don’t know what to do. I suppose it’s like a lot of parenting: I’ll learn about it as I go and hope for the best. But it’s no longer a joint effort between the ex and me and his values have changed so radically that part of me doesn’t want her anywhere near him. However, she deserves a relationship with her father so I resist the urge to run far away where he can never find us.
I love my daughter, and all I can do is try to be the best mom possible and hope the ex and I don’t screw her up too badly.