Father’s Day is really depressing me this year. I’m still in love with the ex and it’s just a reminder of what we don’t have. All these Father’s Day commercials and Internet articles about how wonderful fatherhood is with the cute pictures of Daddies and their offspring remind me of how I pictured life and what I’ll never have.
I always made holidays special for the ex. He never had a birthday without a cake, and sometimes I’d decorate the living room too. There were always cards….either electronic or paper. Every Father’s Day I’d send him e-cards from our 3 cats. Now that we finally have a baby, we’re not together.
Usually for Father’s Day, the mom buys something for the kids to give the dad. But if I do that will it smack of desperation? (And maybe I am desperate…that’s a whole ‘nother issue) Will it let the ex and the whore know that I’d give anything to have him back? I can just picture the two of them laughing at me later. But then who am I kidding, I know they know I still love him. But then again, just because I feel something doesn’t mean I have to show it.
Part of me feels like I shouldn’t get him anything. Especially after the way I’m hurting. But part of me just wants to get him somethng to remind him that he IS a father. He hasn’t seen Little M in 2 weeks, and though part of me is happy to just let that relationship dwindle and keep her all to myself, the other part of me doesn’t want to deprive my daughter of a relationship with her father. Apparently so much so that I’m willing to put in more than I need to to make that relationship work….kind of like when we were married and I gave and gave and gave and he left anyway.
And I wonder about future Father’s Days. Will Little M feel sad that her dad isn’t in her life as much as he could be? Or will he straighten up and be there like a real daddy should? Will all Father’s Days hurt like this? Should I be trying so hard to forge a relationship between father and daughter? Will his not being there bother her or will it only bother me? I just don’t know. What’s the best thing to do for my daughter?
I guess Father’s Day is just another holiday that I thought would always be special but is now a painful reminder of how my life has changed. I just hope and pray Father’s Day won’t be a sad occasion for my little girl.
